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Families which experience problems with alcohol are fragile families. Harms related to alcohol are by no means restricted to drinkers themselves - those around them can also be damaged. The families of problem drinkers are particularly vulnerable to harm. A childhood in such a family can mean a childhood in distress: a distress which is often hidden to those outside the family and neglected by policy makers.
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The cries of these children reveal what it is like to be in a family with alcohol problems: (1)
"Dad gets drunk every day, he hits me and mum ... he broke my arm once. If I have bruises he ... stops me going to school. He says if we ever tell anyone he will kill us ... I'm scared ... it's getting worse."
Girl
"Dad drinks and hits mum. I took an overdose last week . I want to die. I can't talk to mum it would only add to her problems ... It's all my fault."
Girl
"My mum beats me when she's been drinking."
Girl
"Please don't stop my mother smoking ... I would rather she smoked than drank"
Boy with alcohol foetal syndrome
"Sometimes it's hard. I can't run away because when there's trouble there will be no-one to run to for help."
Boy
"I told him (the father) not to drink any longer. And he said he would quit but he never did. And this was the only thing I did. I felt it was no use, whatever I did it was no use ... I had a feeling ... I thought he would stop if I told him ... I had thought about it for a very long time and I felt if he did not stop the very first time (I told him) he would not do it the next time either ... I felt bad, I realised I had to live with it for the rest of my life..."
Boy
"I cry ... she (the mother) says she will quit, but it never happens."
Girl
"If other parents knew about my father drinking, they might stop their children playing with me."
Boy
"Mum says Dad is drinking again. Dad says he isn't ... I'm confused. I'll just try harder to work it out."
Tasha, 7 (2)
Adults are also hurt:
"I felt responsible for everything. I was constantly blaming myself for having chosen this partner and the consequent effect it had on my children."
Wife
"He is prepared to lose his family rather than stop drinking. He mustn't love us and I find myself wondering if he ever did or if all our life together was a lie. I feel sad and frightened and angry."
Wife
"I felt let down and I could not cope. I felt she had given up on all the plans we had made when we got married - given up on the kids and everything."
Husband
Problem Drinking
I made myself believe I was a good father taking my son to football. Now I admit I did it to have an excuse to have some beers ... He (the son) has more than once found me on the floor drunk and in coma. I do not know what it means to a child to see his father like that."
Problem Drinking Father, now abstinent
"The caller said he saw the two-year-old wandering down the road wearing a T-shirt, underpants and socks. The caller asked him where he lived and the child took him to a house 200-300 yards away. The front door was opened and a man and a woman were asleep on a sofa in a cigarette smoke-filled room which also smelled of alcohol. The child went to the woman, calling her 'Mummy' and shook her. She told him to 'bugger off'".
Neighbour
(Telephone call to a UK telephone help line run by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Quoted in V. Lewis: Drunk in Charge. Community Care. 11-17 September 1997)
"My strongest childhood memory is one of fear. My father was a huge man and always angry... He would sit up drinking late at night. My brother, sister and I were terrified of being beaten..."
Tim, 53 (From NACOA Does this happen to you? leaflet) (2)
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The importance of the family
Alcohol problems in families are important because families are important. The essential functions of the family are to meet the needs of its members for physical, psychological, social, and economic security and well being, and the provision of a satisfactory environment for the support, education and socialisation of children. All of these functions can be jeopardised by the problematic consumption of alcohol.
Any discussion of family problems must recognise that in the European Union the traditional patterns of family life are undergoing a process of change, and new family forms have come into existence (3). One aspect of this change is the growing 'nuclearisation' of the family, the disappearance from the household of those, such as grandparents, not members of the nuclear family of parents and children. Another trend - also more evident in some European countries than others - is the growth in living alone, divorce and in single parent families. Both of these developments have implications for family alcohol problems. One possible consequence is that there may be fewer people available in the household to lend support when things go wrong. Divorce and family break-up may be both cause and consequence of alcohol problems.
The paramount importance of the rights of the child to grow up in a safe and secure environment and in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding is enshrined in UN declarations, particularly the Convention on the Rights of the Child (see appendix 2).
The right to a satisfactory family life implies a right to assistance in the event of parental alcohol problems. The fact that children are likely to be affected by the problems arising from alcohol consumption was recognised by the WHO European Alcohol Charter signed by all member states of the European Union in Paris in 1995. Four of the five ethical principles of the Charter refer to the family:
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All people have the right to a family, community and working life protected from accidents, violence and other negative consequences of alcohol consumption.
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All people have the right to valid impartial information and education, starting early in life, on the consequences of alcohol consumption on health, the family and society.
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All children and adolescents have the right to grow up in an environment protected from the negative consequences of alcohol consumption and, to the extent possible, from the promotion of alcoholic beverages.
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All people with hazardous or harmful alcohol consumption and members of their families have the right to accessible treatment and care.
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"I hate it when my Dad is drunk, but I do love him. I wish I could make it better but now I know I can't. Now when he gets drunk, I just call Grandma or my Uncle Jim and they come and look after me."
Jessie, 11
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It is clear that all too often problematic alcohol consumption results in extremes of bad parenting and leads to the children (and the spouse) experiencing various forms of physical or emotional neglect or abuse. Just because these are tragic realities for so many people, it is important not wholly to identify child abuse and domestic violence with heavy or problematic drinkers. Heavy drinking and even alcohol dependence do not necessarily greatly disrupt family relationships nor result in violence or other forms of spouse or child abuse.
Moreover, in many cases where children suffer as a result of parental drinking, they continue despite everything to love their parents and to remain loyal to them. Equally many problem drinking parents "...had genuine concern for their children. (They) showed acute awareness of their children's hurt, although sometimes their preoccupation with drink made it hard for them to act on this remorse." (4)
It is important, therefore, not to stigmatise the abusive drinker in a family. While spouses and children may require help in their own right, the main solution for a family suffering from alcohol problems lies with the abusive drinker and the help which can be given to him or her. The need for helping services for all family members including the drinker is a main theme of this report.
References:
1. Quotations supplied by members of the working party from various sources.
2. The National Association for Children of Alcoholics, a UK charity addressing the plight of children growing up in families with parents who have alcohol or similar addictions.
3. Franz Rothenbacher: Household and Family Trends in Europe: from Convergence to Divergence. Eurodata Newsletter, Number 1 1995.
4. A. Laybourne et al Children, Families and Alcohol. University of Glasgow 1995.
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